WTF, Evolution?

Aug 18

"Hey, evolution, you seem like you’re feeling better. That’s a pretty red bug you’re making there.”
"Oh, thanks. It’s a flatid leaf bug."
"I like the shape. And that’s a lovely shade of red."
"I picked it myself."
"That’s a weird fuzzy branch it’s crawling on, though, huh?"
"What? No. Those are the babies."
"I’m sorry?"
"Babies. Dozens of creepy, squirmy, waxy, fringy babies.”
"… you are so weird.”
Source: Flickr / christophandre / licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 (exposure adjusted from original)

"Hey, evolution, you seem like you’re feeling better. That’s a pretty red bug you’re making there.”

"Oh, thanks. It’s a flatid leaf bug."

"I like the shape. And that’s a lovely shade of red."

"I picked it myself."

"That’s a weird fuzzy branch it’s crawling on, though, huh?"

"What? No. Those are the babies."

"I’m sorry?"

"Babies. Dozens of creepy, squirmy, waxy, fringy babies.”

"… you are so weird.”

Source: Flickr / christophandre / licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 (exposure adjusted from original)

Aug 08

"I miss dinosaurs."
"Evolution, we’ve talked about this."
"But I miss them.”
"You turned them into birds, remember? It was the best you could do, given the circumstances.”
"It’s not the same."
"I know. I’m sorry."
"Can I at least make these cassowaries 50 feet tall?"
"Come on, you know that size didn’t work out so well before."
"Six feet, then? And over 100 pounds?"
"Yeah, that sounds better."
"And can I put weird prehistoric crests on their heads?"
"I don’t see why not."
"And can they slash people’s throats with their dagger claws?”
"Sure, pal, if that would make you feel better."
"I think it would. Thanks for understanding."
"You got it, evolution. Anytime."
Source: Wikimedia Commons / Bjørn Christian Tørrissen

"I miss dinosaurs."

"Evolution, we’ve talked about this."

"But I miss them.”

"You turned them into birds, remember? It was the best you could do, given the circumstances.”

"It’s not the same."

"I know. I’m sorry."

"Can I at least make these cassowaries 50 feet tall?"

"Come on, you know that size didn’t work out so well before."

"Six feet, then? And over 100 pounds?"

"Yeah, that sounds better."

"And can I put weird prehistoric crests on their heads?"

"I don’t see why not."

"And can they slash people’s throats with their dagger claws?”

"Sure, pal, if that would make you feel better."

"I think it would. Thanks for understanding."

"You got it, evolution. Anytime."

Source: Wikimedia Commons / Bjørn Christian Tørrissen

Jul 30

Hippos, evolution? Hippos?!

Hippos, evolution? Hippos?!

Jul 23

Hey, look what just showed up! One of the first actually printed copies of the WTF, Evolution book! The rest aren’t coming until October, but you can preorder one now from Amazon, Powell’s Books, Barnes and Noble, IndieBound, or possibly some other places I’m not cool enough to know about.
I’m really happy with how this came out. Many thanks to all of you for following, enjoying, and sharing—it wouldn’t have happened otherwise. 

Hey, look what just showed up! One of the first actually printed copies of the WTF, Evolution book! The rest aren’t coming until October, but you can preorder one now from AmazonPowell’s Books, Barnes and Noble, IndieBound, or possibly some other places I’m not cool enough to know about.

I’m really happy with how this came out. Many thanks to all of you for following, enjoying, and sharing—it wouldn’t have happened otherwise. 

Jul 17

"Ew, evolution, what are you doing?"
"Making a fruiting body for the stinkhorn fungus. Isn’t it cool?"
"Hmm. I’m not sure that’s the way to go here."
"Why not? It helps the fungus spread its spores."
"It’s just that it looks a little… anatomical."
"What? Nobody’s going to think that."
“Everybody’s going to think that.”
"But I made it smell like hot death!”
"Yeah, that isn’t helping."
"You’re no fun at all."

"Ew, evolution, what are you doing?"

"Making a fruiting body for the stinkhorn fungus. Isn’t it cool?"

"Hmm. I’m not sure that’s the way to go here."

"Why not? It helps the fungus spread its spores."

"It’s just that it looks a little… anatomical."

"What? Nobody’s going to think that."

Everybody’s going to think that.”

"But I made it smell like hot death!”

"Yeah, that isn’t helping."

"You’re no fun at all."

Jul 11

Sometimes evolution makes beautiful animals that move with all the elegance of a finely-honed ballet. Other times… it makes ducks.

Sometimes evolution makes beautiful animals that move with all the elegance of a finely-honed ballet. Other times… it makes ducks.

Jul 03

I love a barbecue and some fireworks as much as the next human, evolution, but don’t you think decorating the crayfish is a little bit excessive?

I love a barbecue and some fireworks as much as the next human, evolution, but don’t you think decorating the crayfish is a little bit excessive?

Jun 24

"Crap. I think the bat extruder’s broken again."
"How is that possible, evolution? We just fixed it last—oh. Oh, yeah, that’s not right."
"They’re pretty bad, huh?"
"They look like shriveled hairy potatoes"
"Hang on, maybe I can salvage this."
"Nuh-uh. No. No way."
"I mean, it is kind of cool how that one skin flap can stretch all the way over their faces.”
"Kind of horrifying, you mean."
"Maybe I can spin it as an adaptation."
"For what? Frightening small children?"
“‘Wrinkle-faced bats.’”
"How on Earth has no one fired you yet?"

Source: Jplevraud/Wikimedia Commons

"Crap. I think the bat extruder’s broken again."

"How is that possible, evolution? We just fixed it last—oh. Oh, yeah, that’s not right."

"They’re pretty bad, huh?"

"They look like shriveled hairy potatoes"

"Hang on, maybe I can salvage this."

"Nuh-uh. No. No way."

"I mean, it is kind of cool how that one skin flap can stretch all the way over their faces.”

"Kind of horrifying, you mean."

"Maybe I can spin it as an adaptation."

"For what? Frightening small children?"

“‘Wrinkle-faced bats.’”

"How on Earth has no one fired you yet?"

Source: Jplevraud/Wikimedia Commons

Jun 16

"What’s going on there, evolution?"
"I’m trying to come up with some new insect shapes. I’m tired of them all just getting eaten all the time."
"Well, that’s kind of how you made the food chain, isn’t it?"
"I want this planthopper to look fierce. I want it to look formidable. I want any lousy would-be predator to stand back in quietly trembling awe and never even dream trying to swallow it.”
"So… you gave it a peanut for a head?"
"Hey, it’s a work in progress, okay?"
Source: Hectonichus/Wikimedia Commons

"What’s going on there, evolution?"

"I’m trying to come up with some new insect shapes. I’m tired of them all just getting eaten all the time."

"Well, that’s kind of how you made the food chain, isn’t it?"

"I want this planthopper to look fierce. I want it to look formidable. I want any lousy would-be predator to stand back in quietly trembling awe and never even dream trying to swallow it.”

"So… you gave it a peanut for a head?"

"Hey, it’s a work in progress, okay?"

Source: Hectonichus/Wikimedia Commons

Jun 06

"Man, I am really nailing this adaptation thing lately."
"Oh yeah, evolution? How’s that?"
"Well, this fish lives in a cave, right? It’s totally dark. You can’t see anything anyway."
"Yeah…"
"So I just took away its eyes. Bam! Instant energy savings."
"Huh, I guess that makes sense. Won’t its head be kind of boring now, though?"
"What? No, not at all."
"No?"
"I put its anus up there instead.”
"You what?"
"I put its anus up there…"
"On its head?"
"Yep. So it’s totally not boring.”
"Well, no, but…"
"Bam."


Photo: M.L. Niemiller, ZooKeys

"Man, I am really nailing this adaptation thing lately."

"Oh yeah, evolution? How’s that?"

"Well, this fish lives in a cave, right? It’s totally dark. You can’t see anything anyway."

"Yeah…"

"So I just took away its eyes. Bam! Instant energy savings."

"Huh, I guess that makes sense. Won’t its head be kind of boring now, though?"

"What? No, not at all."

"No?"

"I put its anus up there instead.”

"You what?"

"I put its anus up there…"

"On its head?"

"Yep. So it’s totally not boring.”

"Well, no, but…"

"Bam."

Photo: M.L. Niemiller, ZooKeys