WTF, Evolution?

“Check out this awesome dance move I invented.” “Oh god,...

Thu, 16 May 2013 11:01:44 -0400

“Check out this awesome dance move I invented.”

“Oh god, evolution, please stop doing that.”

“What? It’s called ‘pronking.’ All the springbok are into it.”

“I can’t take you anywhere.”

A female kangaroo is always pregnant. While one joey grows in...

Sun, 12 May 2013 10:01:37 -0400

A female kangaroo is always pregnant. While one joey grows in her pouch, another one gestates in one of her two uteruses. As soon as the developed joey leaves the pouch, the next one is ready to come down the pipe—of which, by the way, she has three. Happy Mother’s Day.

“I’m getting tired of making insects that just...

Wed, 08 May 2013 11:20:00 -0400

“I’m getting tired of making insects that just hatch, eat, mate, and die.”

“Well, what else are they supposed to do? Seems like you’ve hit all the major requirements there, evolution.”

“I don’t know, something more interesting.”

“Like what?”

“Like maybe hatch underground, putter around down there for 17 years, emerge in massive swarms that tear through the countryside and dive-bomb weddings and generally freak everyone the hell out for a while, and then eat, mate, and die.”

“Hm. ‘Interesting’ is one word for that.”

“I can see it now. The 17-year cicadas: Just when you thought you could forget.”

“That’s ridiculous. You watch too many movies.”

“BZZZ, motherf—ers! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.”

To trigger the nurturing instincts that compel their parents to...

Fri, 03 May 2013 10:51:24 -0400

To trigger the nurturing instincts that compel their parents to feed them, newborn animals often appear sweet, helpless and overwhelmingly adorable. Evolution apparently wishes baby birds would starve.

Evolution is not sure why you’re so obsessed with finding...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 11:01:00 -0400

Evolution is not sure why you’re so obsessed with finding “aliens.” I mean, it already made the stalk-eyed fly.

Evolution likes worms that look like tiny disembodied floating...

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 11:10:00 -0400

Evolution likes worms that look like tiny disembodied floating butts, and it cannot lie.

(via Deep Sea Fauna… with Googly Eyes)

Everyone occasionally worries that they’re getting a...

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 16:07:00 -0400

Everyone occasionally worries that they’re getting a little predictable. Most of us deal with it by changing our hairstyle, having an ill-advised fling, or buying a new instrument we’ll never actually learn to play. Evolution makes weird lumpy fish that breathe air, puke mud and flop around like deranged garden hoses. Same difference.

Seems like everyone could use a hug this week. Good thing...

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 10:30:46 -0400

Seems like everyone could use a hug this week. Good thing evolution gave the blue-ringed octopus all those arms.

(Disclaimer: The blue-ringed octopus is venomous. Please do not actually attempt to hug one.)

You know that game where you draw the first part of something,...

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 10:31:03 -0400

You know that game where you draw the first part of something, fold the paper over, then hand it to someone else, who has to add the next part without seeing what you did? That’s basically how evolution made the marabou stork.

“Hey, evolution, remember when you tried making that fish...

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 10:30:00 -0400

“Hey, evolution, remember when you tried making that fish with paired butt fins?”

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Why not? I thought it was an awesome idea.”

“Shut up.”

“No, seriously. I think you should bring those back. Call them ‘feathery buttfish’ or something.”

“It’s been 370 million years, okay? Cut me a break.”

“‘Magnificent ass-flappers.’”

“I hate you.”

So evolution made a blue-tongued skink. What are you going to...

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 11:24:20 -0400

So evolution made a blue-tongued skink. What are you going to do, fire it? Yeah, good luck finding anyone else with 170 million years of skink-management experience, assholes.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, evolution. There’s no way...

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 10:31:01 -0400

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, evolution. There’s no way that’s going to fit.”

“It’ll fit.”

“No, it won’t.”

“Yes, it will!”

“No, it won’t! You need to give the great blue heron some teeth or something if you expect it to eat fish bigger than its head.”

“Teeth on a bird? That’s ridiculous. It’s fine, it’ll fit.”

“It won’t. Don’t force it! What if the heron chokes to death?”

“Oh, come on. I made its throat a little stretchy; I’m sure it can deal.”

Hey, evolution. It’s really cool that you made starfish so...

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 11:01:38 -0400

Hey, evolution. It’s really cool that you made starfish so they can regenerate their arms if they lose them. That was a pretty smart move. And it’s especially awesome that you worked it out so that the detached limb can regrow a whole new animal. Excellent thinking there, really. It’s just that while it’s doing it, uh… it looks a little… gosh, how do I put this delicately?

Dear Evolution: Letters of Gripe and Gratitude

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 10:30:52 -0400

Dear Evolution: Letters of Gripe and Gratitude:

In which WTF, Evolution? collaborates with the esteemed nerds over at Scientific American. Featuring clumsy penguins, gangly giraffes, and the sexiest birds on Earth. Check it out, weirdos.

Ctenophores. ‘Cause sometimes evolution only feels like...

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 12:48:34 -0400

Ctenophores. ‘Cause sometimes evolution only feels like making the mouth.

Look, evolution, everyone has trouble staying motivated...

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 10:53:00 -0400

Look, evolution, everyone has trouble staying motivated sometimes. But when that happens you should probably just take a walk or something; don’t force yourself to make softshell turtles when your heart obviously isn’t in it.

“Tee hee.” “What now,...

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 12:56:04 -0400

“Tee hee.”

“What now, evolution?”

“It’s a ‘tapir.’ Get it?”

“No.”

“‘Tapir!’ C’mon.”

“No.”

“It’s a tapir! It has a tapired nose!”

“You’re the worst.”

You know what’s awesome? Teeth! Teeth are great. You can...

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 13:18:53 -0400

You know what’s awesome? Teeth! Teeth are great. You can use teeth to chew things up, grind things down, bite things that are annoying you or kill things that you want to eat. Teeth are just so helpful. The more teeth the better, as far as evolution is concerned. The sheepshead fish must be so pleased.

Ever have one of those days where you’re supposed to...

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 13:55:00 -0400

Ever have one of those days where you’re supposed to concentrate on making orchids but just can’t stop thinking about monkeys? Because evolution does. All the time. Like, it thinks about monkeys a lot. That’s normal, right?

“Hey, remember the gastric brooding...

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 11:01:40 -0400

“Hey, remember the gastric brooding frog?”

“Which one was that again?”

“You know, the cute little one where I cleverly arranged for it to incubate its eggs inside its stomach and then regurgitate the hatchlings through its mouth.”

“Ugh, right. What is it with you and frog hatching, evolution? Anyway, didn’t the baby-vomiting one go extinct?”

“Yeah, it did. But now the humans are trying to resurrect it!”

“What? Why?”

“Because everything deserves a second chance.”

“Really? Everything?”

“Man, I knew I was keeping those big-brained weirdos around for something.”