"Oh, what a cute little mouse!"
"It’s not a mouse! It’s a marsupial called an antechinus."
"Sorry, evolution, my mistake. Still cute, though."
"Isn’t he? And he’s excited, because he’s almost eleven months old, and that means he finally gets to start mating."
"Aw, that’s nice."
"He’s going to run around getting it on with as many females as he can for the next two or three weeks."
"And he’ll have sex with each of them for up to 14 hours at a stretch."
"And he’ll get so exhausted from all the frantic mating that his fur starts falling off, and he contracts gangrene."
"What? Jesus. Then does he take a break, at least?"
"Nah, not really. He basically keeps doing it until he gets so sick and stressed out that he dies. ‘Suicidal reproduction,’ I’m calling it.”
"Are you serious? He’s going to mate himself to death?”
"Yeah, but he doesn’t know it yet. Happy coming-of-age, antechinus!"
"You’re sick, you know that?"
Source: Flickr / patrick_k59
Valentine’s Day Tips From a Tragopan
Trying to catch the eye of that special someone? Then you need these moves, custom-evolved to win them over fast.
First, get your crush’s attention by pecking around on the ground. This will make them curious. But then, immediately hide behind a log. You’re putting on a show here—you don’t want to give everything away!
Next, inflate your rubbery blue horns and unfurl your flappy bib. Bob up and down a bunch of times to make sure that they’re fully deployed. You need to look your best!
Then start with the frenetic clicking. This will signal to your love interest that you’re ready to take things further. (Honest communication is the key to any successful romantic pursuit.)
When you feel ready, rear up and rush forward, displaying yourself in all your naked glory to the object of your affection. Remember: You are confident. You are fabulous. You have inflatable rubbery horns. You’ve got this.
If it doesn’t work the first time, try again. Try flapping harder. Click some more. You’ll have a valentine in no time, guaranteed.
Congratulations, evolution, I think “inflatable left nostril” may be your least attractive mating move so far. The hooded seal must be so proud.
"Hey! I bet you can’t tell what this is."
"It’s a slug."
"You can’t tell because I’ve cleverly disguised it."
"It’s a slug."
"Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘Could it be some kind of cow?’"
"It’s definitely a slug."
"But no! It doesn’t even have a backbone!"
"Evolution, it’s a white banana slug.”
"Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. It’s a slug. Good trick, though, huh?"
"Please stop pretending that random mutations were brilliant ideas you had."
Source: Flickr / dhelling01
"Happy new year, evolution! Do you have any resolutions?"
"Yeah. I decided that everything I make is going to look completely normal from now on."
"Wow, really? You mean like this northern fulmar bird here? He seems lovely.”
"Yeah. Hey, just don’t get within like ten feet of that guy, okay, or he might projectile vomit neon orange half-digested fish oil in your face.”
Source: Flickr / stignygaard