Valentine’s Day Tips From a Tragopan
Trying to catch the eye of that special someone? Then you need these moves, custom-evolved to win them over fast.
First, get your crush’s attention by pecking around on the ground. This will make them curious. But then, immediately hide behind a log. You’re putting on a show here—you don’t want to give everything away!
Next, inflate your rubbery blue horns and unfurl your flappy bib. Bob up and down a bunch of times to make sure that they’re fully deployed. You need to look your best!
Then start with the frenetic clicking. This will signal to your love interest that you’re ready to take things further. (Honest communication is the key to any successful romantic pursuit.)
When you feel ready, rear up and rush forward, displaying yourself in all your naked glory to the object of your affection. Remember: You are confident. You are fabulous. You have inflatable rubbery horns. You’ve got this.
If it doesn’t work the first time, try again. Try flapping harder. Click some more. You’ll have a valentine in no time, guaranteed.
"Happy new year, evolution! Do you have any resolutions?"
"Yeah. I decided that everything I make is going to look completely normal from now on."
"Wow, really? You mean like this northern fulmar bird here? He seems lovely.”
"Yeah. Hey, just don’t get within like ten feet of that guy, okay, or he might projectile vomit neon orange half-digested fish oil in your face.”
Source: Flickr / stignygaard
Man, that guineafowl you made before sure was ridic—
Whoa. Whoa, hey, what is that? It looks a little bit—
I’m not sure that’s really—
Oh god, evolution, what did you—
You didn’t have to go and—ow!
Wait, no, what is it—ow!—oh, Jesus. I’m so sorry I made fun of your other bird, okay? Please just call off the bone-crunching vulture and let’s talk about this.
Source: Flickr / blacktigersdream
"Hey, evolution, what are you working on?"
"Come on, show me."
"I don’t want to."
"Aw, why not?"
"Because you’re going to think it looks stupid."
"What? No I’m not."
"Yes you are. You always do."
"Don’t be ridiculous. Aren’t we friends?"
"Fine. Here. It’s called a crested guineafowl."
"Oh my god, what happened to its head? It looks like you transplanted it from a smaller, uglier animal."
"I hate you."
"Okay, evolution, what the hell is that?"
"A marvelous spatuletail hummingbird. Obviously."
"And what the hell is he doing?”
"A sexy mating dance. Obviously.”
"Don’t those big dangly tail feathers make it hard for him to fly?"
"Oh, yeah, he can’t fly for more than a few seconds. Total pain in the ass."
"Then why put them there?"
"For the sexy mating dance. Are you even paying attention?"