To trigger the nurturing instincts that compel their parents to feed them, newborn animals often appear sweet, helpless and overwhelmingly adorable. Evolution apparently wishes baby birds would starve.
Source: Flickr / d-a-n-i-e-l
You know that game where you draw the first part of something, fold the paper over, then hand it to someone else, who has to add the next part without seeing what you did? That’s basically how evolution made the marabou stork.
Source: Flickr / tariquesani
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, evolution. There’s no way that’s going to fit.”
“It’ll fit.”
“No, it won’t.”
“Yes, it will!”
“No, it won’t! You need to give the great blue heron some teeth or something if you expect it to eat fish bigger than its head.”
“Teeth on a bird? That’s ridiculous. It’s fine, it’ll fit.”
“It won’t. Don’t force it! What if the heron chokes to death?”
“Oh, come on. I made its throat a little stretchy; I’m sure it can deal.”
Source: telegraph.co.uk
Dear Evolution: Letters of Gripe and Gratitude
In which WTF, Evolution? collaborates with the esteemed nerds over at Scientific American. Featuring clumsy penguins, gangly giraffes, and the sexiest birds on Earth. Check it out, weirdos.
“Do you ever think that maybe there’s something more out there?”
“What do you mean, evolution?”
“I don’t know, like, that there’s some greater purpose for all these animals I’m making, other than just eating and pooping and having little animals.”
“I guess I hadn’t really thought about it.”
“I just wonder what the point is sometimes. What’s stopping me from going off the rails and making this sage grouse look completely absurd? Why don’t I just give it demon eyes and ridiculous inflatable chest balloons? Who cares? What difference does it make?”
“Aw, come on, don’t talk like that.”
“Why not? Seriously, I’m going to do it. See if anyone stops me. Bet you they won’t.”
Source: Flickr / vividcorvid
“Hey! Hey! I think I finally made something cute.”
“Oh, yeah? Let’s see.”
“It’s a ‘shoebill.’ It’s big and blue and adorable. Nice, right?”
“It’s… hm. I don’t know. I like the blue, but something about those eyes is kind of creeping me out right now.”
“What? Come on. Those are friendly eyes. It wants to be your friend.”
“Okay. Okay, yeah. You’re right, evolution, I’m sorry. Should I feed it, maybe? What does it eat?”
“Baby crocodiles.”
“Oh Jesus Christ.”
Source: Flickr / makitani
“You know that elephant seal I made? The one with the awesome floppy nose?”
“Yes, evolution, that was a pretty good nose.”
“And you know how it kept getting parasites up inside it?”
“I heard that was an issue.”
“I fixed it.”
“You fixed it? What did you do, give the elephant seal more protective mucus? A better immune system? Stronger nose hairs?”
“Nope! That all seemed too hard. I just made a nose-picking bird.”
“A nose-picking bird.”
“Works great!”
Source: telegraph.co.uk
Okay, what? Shut up, evolution, this cannot actually be a bird. Are you high?
Source: Flickr / nathaninsandiego
Sometimes evolution has terrifying fever dreams where everything is beautiful but nothing makes any sense. Shapes and colors appear and disappear and rearrange themselves like mad ghosts, and nothing ends up quite where it’s supposed to be. What do these dreams mean? Evolution doesn’t know. But when it wakes up in the morning, it makes some really weird-ass birds.
This pelican looks like a urinal. Go home, evolution, you are drunk.
